http://www.baltimoresun.com/news/maryland/baltimore-city/bal-pedestrian1006,0,5112170.story


I saw her. I was not there when she was hit- I've already seen one person die in my life and have no desire to make it more. But when my fellow corps member and I drove by, we saw her lying in the street. I saw the ambulances and police cars and suspected a bad accident- but then we saw no cars- then we saw her lying in the road. There was a pool of blood. Bones were sticking out of her arm.

I knew it. I knew she had died. I felt that sense of sweeping cold I felt 9 years ago when that boy on a bicycle came out of a hidden driveway and struck the side of my camp van... just a couple of feet in front of where I was sitting. Oh God... the bad memories I wanted to forget forever... they're all coming back.

It's a cruel irony that she had the same first name as me, and that she is my mother's age.


So much for sleeping tonight =|

I'm getting disgustingly fat and I hate it. If I do not go on a diet now, I will race like total shit when I start competing.

Pippin's the baby and Timmy's the grownup. I'm now watching more guinea pig videos and Pippin's about to burst out of his cage! Timmy, sadly, went home with my mom... Pip misses him.

Jose is missing. He never made it home last night after hanging out with Cindy yesterday afternoon.

I never in my life dreamed this might happen to someone I know... I hope he just had some kind of fight with a family member that his sister did not mention and is temporarily avoiding them and everyone else... his phone is turned off, too.

My birthday is going to suck hard

So, here's the new baby guinea pig Pippin that everybody is curious about! This photo was taken at the exact moment he was dropping to the bottom of his cage after scaling the wall.

What is the craziest thing you have ever seen your precious cavy do?

I just bought my tortoiseshell baby Pippin this past Saturday and I have already witnessed him do the following once he felt welcomed and loved in my home:

1. Remain perfectly frozen in place for several hours, neither eating nor drinking for several hours. Thankfully after lots of holding and comfort he first began drinking, then eating!

Considering his reaction when he first came home when I felt a connection to him, Iexpected him to be timid and shy and fearful. Was Iever wrong! Now, he has-

1. Bolted up my torso like lightning to hide on the back of my neck under my hair.
2. Scale the wall of his cage. I kid you not- this tiny little thing barely larger than a hamster somehow managed to get his hind legs on the bars and subsequently climbing to the top letting go only when he could proceed upward no further! I thought I was hallucinating, but my boyfriend saw it too- no other guinea pig I have had has ever scaled the cage, though they have all tried!
3. Vaulting objects up to a foot high- and he's a little eeny baby!
4. Run laps around his cage for over half an hour straight.


I let him out for exercise a lot. Now, I'm pretty agile myself, but Pippin evades even my capture for a while!

What are some of the crazy things others have had their pets do?

I've added a seventh finger to my tally for car accidents in which I was involved, either as a passenger or as a witness.

Some guy tried to beat a red light making a left gun and a lady hit the gas the second her light turned green, resulting in a bam that sent Mr. Beat the Red into a 360. Thankfully nobody was hurt except the cars.

Oy vey. That makes 2 crashes witnessed and 6 accidents as a passenger on my tally. The ironic part is the cops/insurance only got involved with one- the fatality when I was 13, for obvious reasons...


I have way too much experience with these for someone who doesn't even have a flipping license! Whaaaaaaaaaaaat the hell?

1. I've written a short Frodo fic! The topic of this is Frodo feeling rather sad because he's not used to actually living away from Buckland- it occurred to me when I was in a very sad mood about the fact that all my dearest, lifelong friends are back in Riverhead ON Long Island, and here I am down south in Baltimore. The link is here. Go read it and leave some feedback? That would be good. Thank you kindly. Here's hoping the sense of loneliness wanes.. there are 3 that I might call friends now... 2 definite and a third probably. (I'm picky in applying that term)

2. I got a teaching placement!!! I'm working as an Intervention Teacher with first graders at Hamilton Elementary-Middle... small groups of students who need to be taught most desperately. If I do a good job this will be quite rewarding. I do hope I do right by them... the school year starts Monday. This week has been professional development and setting up my office as well as hlping out the two teachers with whom I will be working most closely. These teachers seem like they definitely know what they are doing- good thing for an ickle firstie like me who definitely is not much of a disciplinarian! I need to NOT exude a sense of being laid-back... made that error in student-teaching and did I ever pay! I was not respected at. All.

3. I still find it rather insane that I'm an adult, dwelling in the adult world, with my own place. It truly is very peculiar not being on Stony Brook's campus training intensely for cross-country preseason.

4. Need paychecks. Now. I have to pay rent and bills, and I certainly was not expecting them to be the extent they are. Welcome to the world of grown-ups, Cher...

5. I'm returning to racewalking! I'm doing base training now for racing in winter and spring. I aspire to do more 5ks (that are better paced than that one random one I did!) and ultimately get up to the 20k. I've been enjoying touring the citry on foot, and even the times where I get myself disoriented because I'm not paying sufficient attention to where I am going! Yesterday was a case in point- I was so in the zone I did not realize I was going the completely opposite direction of my apartment until I found myself facing Loyola. At least I was on the right street, eh?

6. I've decided I want to go to the Maryland Renaissance Faire to celebrate my birthday next month. Also, I've got friends coming down at the end of September, so that ought to be great. My best friend from college is visiting this weekend and my boyfriend is coming for Labor Day weekend. September 20... rock climbing! =) This Friday- Hard Rock Cafe. Halloween Weekend is visiting a friend I made in Wichita during my Lord of the Rings presentation at a fantasy conference back in April (my elf-friend Kitty!!), weekend of October 10 is visiting periantari and seeing LOTR goodness in Radio City Music Hall. Weekend before Halloween I'll be doing a 39-mile walk to raise money for cancer research in North Carolina.

(Seems I do have thing s to look forward to... the sucky part of fighting off depression is I often forget it. Perhaps a list like this will keep me from being too despondent.)

7. Well... my mom got a call from social services... apparently he whom I call the sperm donor.. my father... died in Florida in April 2008 of some unknown cause. They cut a lot of information from the death certificate that they mailed my mom for privacy reasons, although she's trying to get the cause of death- something I'd need to know too, for medical reasons, though I'm sure it was drug or alcohol related, heh. I don't know how to feel about the whole thing... conflicted probably sums it up. Lots of mixed, contradictory emotions. Normally, I'm sure it would be intense grief like I'd felt when Al (the closest thing to a father I ever knew, and much more of one than my biological ever was) passed away my senior year of high school... but the biological one in all effects died to me when I was 3 months old. No letters, no phone calls, no contact, no child support... as far as I am concerned, he died in December 1986 a few days before Christmas when he left.



So, there's some updates. Hoping everyone is well.

These are the times I miss and ache for again

To feed off of a conversation that the others who taught kindergarten in my CMA group(Bridget, Whitney, Katie, Matt, Meghan, Hilary and I) had- "Dolphin rape!!"

According to Whitney, there are cases of dolphins raping humans, so we spent the entirety of lunch endeavoring to determine whether that is true.



In other news- institute is over! Strangely, the five weeks felt like one very long day. Good times, bad times, exciing and fun times, frustrating times. Now, it is over, and the next chapter unfolds- in Baltimore (Otherwise known as B-more!) My checkout time is in ten minutes. My Amtrak is in an hour. And in 2 hours? I get picked up by my landlord and we hit Baltimore!

Bring on the commencement of Apartment Life. I bought Sims 2: Apartment Life to pay homage.

Mehhhhh... but please don't ask me to explain meh, way too busy and frustrated =( I just hate feeling like a complete utter and total failure because I never did before.

*sigh*

I miss everybody like woah

Guess this answers my question about the number of people born in the 1800s still alive

Because I am one with the proclivity for thinking of and wondering about rather peculiar things, I found myself wondering the other day how many World War I veterans and people born in the 1800s are still alive. I mean, anyone born in 1899 is turning 110 this year! Had Anne Frank survived, she would be 80. (Yes, I have a very high amount of regard for her.)

Now that I am thinking about this kind of thing anew and simultaneously online, I think I'll do a little researching before I recommence lesson planning.


When I don't feel like lesson planning I make dolls of myself.


I also do Xenia from Through Jade Eyes

Without a doubt, the time the entire Northeast lost power back in 2002 (2003?). At the time, I was 15 or 16 and working at Splish Splash waterpark on Long Island in the food services department. I had been sent by my boss to the refrigerator with the task delegated of retrieving hamburger buns. All of a sudden, the interior light that is on when the fridge senses a human presence went out! Meanwhile, I was all the way at the back of the fridge! I groped around for a door, found a handle, and pulled it open only to feel a blast of colder air- I had successfully located the freezer. At this point, I was already very cold to begin with, and I kept kncking against boxes as I felt my way along the wire rack.

Okay, Cher, all you have to do is feel the opposite directon, and you'll eventually get to the door... I thought. I commenced backtracking, shivering.

Suddenly, there was a glorous burst of warmth and a beam of a flashlight in my face.

"Wha- wha's going on?" I said quizzically, reaizing with a frown that the lights did not seem to be on in the Snack Shack.

"The power's out," said my friend. I could hear frantic banging on the windows. I could hear angry customers.

"You mean the whole park?"

"Yeah."

"Damn... dude, what hapened?"

My friend shrugged her shoulders. "No idea but people are banging on the window like we made lights go out or something. Something abut how idiots work here."

I scowled distastefully- even as a teenager I loathed disrespectful customers. "Weird... was there a car accident?"

Later on, courtesy of a plethora of cell phones ringing, I learned that first all of my town (Riverhead) was out, then all of Long Island... and finally, I heard the entire Notheast was lacking power because someone fell asleep at the switch or something. I remember a lot of people speculating that it could be some terrorist tactic, since it was not long after the 9/11 attacks and especialy because I live close to New York City.

Thankfully, it was some genuine human error, but I remember there being a lot of aarmed people wondering what the hell might happen with no power.

I have discerned the reaso I struggle so much with lesson planning, out of all aspects of
education. It's not like I do not understand the information, but the very act of planning itself is virtually anathema to me. Structure what? I understand and embrace the need for a classroom manageent plan, but otherwise, I do not fathom why it is necessary to outline a day of class detail by detail. Loose guidelines over set in stone, please!

However, I am not a schemer. I (generally successfully) improvise on my feet. That whole concept of "organization" and "planning" is foreign to me.

Maybe I should try to get it out again... these things are lame.

No More Ham!

There’s a cat in my ham,
It ate all of my jam!
It sat like a rat
In poor fat Sam’s hat!
The jar of jam is not with ham,
For Pam’s fat cat ate with a bam!



I had to write that as part of my lesson plan. Seriously.

That, my friends, is a new facebook pic.

That facebook quiz that is titled "Stupid things you've done"... does it severely bother anyone else that apparently being unlucky enough to see someone die merits the "stupid" label? =/


Maybe I should get back to lesson planning... I love how they make it impossible for us to sleep. I swear, soon I'll be able to carry groceries in these purplish bags under my eyes forming courtesy of sleeping about 4 hours a night!

It's for the kids though. They're cute. I had one today that said "Hey, your hair's not just yellow... there's pink in it too!" Too cute, that interpretation of first noticing that I'm a strawberry blonde *laugh*

Real name: Cheryl

Nickname(s): Cher, Bear, Speedy, Blondie

Boyfriend or Girlfriend: Al..... miss him!!

Eye color: blue-gray

Height: 5'9".

Hair color: reddish blonde

Long or short: hair?: It's actually quite long for me.

Loud or Quiet: depends on company, situation, and mood... I can not talk for an entire day, or I could require a sock and some duct tape

Sweats or Jeans: Jeans

Phone or Camera: phone

Health freak: Definitely, especially with food and physical activity

Do you have a crush on someone: My boyfriend, of course.

Eat or Drink: Both.

Piercings: 3 per ear

Tattoos: None.




HAVE YOU EVER?

Been in an airplane: Yup.

Been in a relationship: Yes.

Been in a car accident: That times six =O Latest one was couple of days ago!!

Been in a fist fight: Yes



FIRSTS:

First piercing: My ears.

First best friend: Alyssa (rest in peace)

First award: The heck if I recall that! I've earned a few...

First big vacation: Florida with Focht, Biele, and Erika!



LASTS:

Last person you talked to: Mom.

Last person you texted: Ryan.

Last person you watched a movie with: Jamie, Mel, and... Aaron? (Ohhhh there are way too many names.. this is horrible that I don't remember the name of all 3 people I saw Hangover with! I know Mel and Aaron/Steve are from DC corps...)

Last food you ate: Salad =)

Last movie you watched: Hangover

Last song you listened to: Colors by Crossfade

Last thing you bought: diet coke

Last person you cuddled with: Al <333


FAVES:

Food: Salad for meal, ice cream for dessert

Drink: Water, and coffee/green tea.. approximately same level for latter

Clothing Store: Don't have one in patricular

Animal: Cats and guinea pigs

Colors: Black, purple, aqua, mint green

Movies: Lord of the Rings, Excalibur, Dark Knight, Prince of Egypt, Mulan, Lion King, Bug's Life

Subjects: It's really a case-by-case basis. Like, I hate science, but stick me in a room with forensics stuff and I'll go to town.



CURRENTLY:

Eating: Nothing.

Drinking: water

I'm about to: sleep. Ergh on trying to sleep early! I'm a night owl...

Plans for today: First day of institute, whatever's in store! No shirts professing my love for heavy metal or dragons or music or whatevs

Waiting for: the night, ohhh oh oh! (Sorry, could not resist that urge)



YOUR FUTURE:

Want kids?: undecided... may just adopt

Want to get married?: Yes.

Careers in mind?: Writer! Adventurer? CIA agent? Detective? Librarian? Teacher? Interpreter? Too. Many. Interests!



WHICH IS BETTER WITH GIRL/BOY?

Lips or eyes: Eyes..

Shorter or taller than you?: Taller.

Romantic or spontaneous: Both, though if I had to pick one, spontaneous

Nice stomach or nice arms: Doesn't matter.

Sensitive or loud: My Al is both, and awesome

Hookup or relationship: Relationship!!!

Trouble-maker or hesitant: Somewhere in the middle



HAVE YOU EVER:

Lost glasses/​​contacts:​​ yeah

Ran away from home: Kind of.

Held a gun/knife for self defense: yep.

Killed somebody: Nope.

Broken someone's heart: hope not

Cried when someone died: Yes.



DO YOU BELIEVE IN:

Yourself: I try.

Miracles: mm hmm.

Love at first sight: No way.

Heaven: A resounding yes.

Santa Claus: Nope.

Sex on the first date: NO!

Kiss on the first date: not especially


ANSWER TRUTHFULLY:

Is there one person you want to be with right now?: Yesssss

Are you seriously happy with where you are in life?: Content and hopeful is the best way to describe it

Are you satisfied with what you've got?: No, but I do know that it could be a lot worse.

Firstly, i'll catch up on the friends list soon, I swear! I am so horrible with checking that page lately, especially since I have been reliant of dialup.

Amidst my packing for the relocation to Baltimore,I located my stash of diary entries recorded everywhere from the summer before fifth grade through the summer after I graduated high school. I wrote the most in these during middle school, as I mainly deadjournaled on triciaperks in ninth grade and livejournaled in oooootricia00 for the rest of high school and the beginning of college before switching here so that the former would remain strictly high school. It is very fascinating indeed to see how I revolved, grew, regressed, recovered, grew, and became more and more intellectual with the passage of time. Here is the essence of random stuff found in the perusal of the first diary, whose first entry was July 27, 1997 and final was January 20, 2000. It is a small white notebook labeled "Girl power! diary- we've got the power to be drug free" with an address label from when my mother and I resided in downtown Riverhead and my scrawlings all over it- things like "One-of-a-kind", "I'm me," and requests not to read- "Do not open without Cher armstrong's permission", "property of Cheryl Jean Armstrong, Mr. B aka Old Wrinkleface, room 208" (What a sweet, 100 percent respectful student! Mr. B and I had a very interesting relationship- hey, keep your mind out of the gutter! Imagine combining someone too smart for her grade at the time and boundless physical energy into one student and think of the results. We were actually fond of eachr other, and i was class treasurer, which means I kept track of fines imposed upon students foir misbehavior. I had the most fines, and most of the time I was honest in my recordings unless I felt a fine was unfair- I knew how to tell when I was "being bad" and thus deserving to be disciplined. Most of the time, I would not record fines of students I had accidentally gotten into trouble- nor did I record anytime where I had meant well, such as whispering what Mr. B was trying to explain to my neighbor). But i digress. More scrawlings of a 10-year-old: "Stop, in the name of the law!", ""Private" written in every possible way, including mirror writing, "If you want to read, and if I like you I might say yes", "no hands allowed", "Keep out or be eaten by a ferocious dog", "adios", "au revoir", "go away", "Touch me and you die of ebola", "sionara" and "Hold it right there!"

Among the contents I wanted kept so private at 10-12 years of age:
1. Talking about being a 10 year old in a cabin of seventh graders who talked about boys (ew! I said) and how mad I was that the camp said I couldn't swim and would not let me in any water deeper than 3 feet even though, and I quote verbatim: "I'm five foot 2 and a half and perfectly able to stand in the 4 foot level 2 water without drowining or something- I understand why they don't allow me in 5-foot water because that covers my nose, but 4 feet? Come on people!"
2. My agonizing over naming the diary because "that's what Anne Frank did" and the subsequent reading of every inspirational comment in the diary and pixcking the name I liked best- Amber, "like Amber brown!"
3. "Today is just another ordinary and boring school day- I already know long division, why do I have to do this AGAIN? BORING... oops, got to go, we get to go to the library thank GOD!"
4. Permitting my friend Tiffany to write on a page.
5. I made some kid of butterfly for an art project, and it made me feel better after my friends made me be "pee yellow" in Parcheesi" because I rolled lowest.
6. getting in trouble because I did not finish the "modly hamburger"- or even eat anything other than 2 bites of the bun and the corn "You'd have to be a moron to make corn wromng, I think, I've never had bad corn"
7. "Maybe one day I'll be famous for being smart or running fast or jumping far or something so you can be famous too!" (Ha! And WHY would anyone want to read about the silly troubles of an 11-year-old?)
8. My mom winning her first-ever memory album- a HUGE hobby of hers now!I did not realize it then, but that was a huge turning point in my house.
9. How babyish and young and bored I felt still being in elementary school
10. "I got to bname a chick at the library today and I named it Fern like my favorite Arthur character! I like her because she likes poetry and writing and cool stuff like that)" (I then wrote an extremely detailed description of Fern and listed the names of other chicks, and the plort summeary of Slappy and the Stinkers, which the library showed that day. A seal movie.)
11. Promises to write about the Bronx Zoo,
12.A complete summary of a Bronx Zoo adventuure. "I was disappointed that I did not get to go to the children's zoo because today was a drreary, rainy, because I love it there." By the end of the entry, I decided that "the rain (at least it was WARM out) turned out to be an advantage because not much people were around and almost ALL of the animals showed themselves. The last 2 times I went, I didn't see much animals, especially last year in 1997" (Side comment: Apparently I could not distinguish perfectly between much and many in fifth grade)
13. A description of the contents of a Lisa Frank package (does Lisa Frank even still exist?) in the mail, followed by my sticking my favorite stickers in the diary "to remember them forever!"
14. The bike rodeo- I wrote about how surprised I was to find out that it wasn't simply a race against others, a llist of the various courses involving dexterity I lacked at the time in some senses... in retrospect, my main problem was impatience and the need for speed that made me overshoot corners. I did the worst in the slow race.
15. May Fair at Pulaski in 5th grade... "my teacher was in the dunk tank and I missed the dot with all of the balls... so when I went to get the balls, I pressed the button so Mr. B fell in! Everybody clapped for me, and he called me a little scamp- laughing as he said it. I don't think he's really mad. I am the class clown or whatever"
`16. My annoyance at being put in all of the flat-out running events when I wanted to do the trolley race, tug of war, and the clothing race. I was an excellent runner in elementary school, but very reluctant, hated races, and I did not practice.
17. "Today my teacher was really mean to the class and I actually didn't do anything this time!" A sub who announced that she was a first-time sub gave my class a bad report. I definitely do not remember what misconduct my class did- BAD idea to tell a room full of fifth graders that you have never been a sub before! Anyway, Mr. B canceled a field trip to a farm to punish the class. I wonder if I really did anything and simply in a state of denial, but chances are I acted just as normal- somewhat boisterous- and the rest of the class was uncharacteristically misbehaved. I was also evidently bored during a lesson, so aside from writing in my diary during a lesson I even drew the seating chart. (I labeled the teacher's desk "Ronald", and my table was closest- go figure. At least 2 other kids at the table I know would definitely have been ones to keep an eye on, considering how disrespectful I remember them being to the teachers in middle and high school no matter what. I can identify at least 4 classmates who were so terrible to the sub that their seats were moved, judging by the double-arrows that are labeled "belongs here and moved" In an earlier entry, I had talked about how I felt safe bringing it to school because it was always shoved in the back of my desk. Nobody ever did find it. "All 27 of us were dissapointed we will not get to go to the farm."

I wonder if I was worse to the sub, or stayed the same and felt bad that there were people acting worse than normal.

18. Complaining about how I was not put in tug-of-war because I was too skinny, and being yelled at for stopping during the footraces "It was hot and I don't like sweating or breathing loudly!"

19. "A brief history of me" detailing my lack of a father "I despise Doug. He and mom are divorced. I don't know him, yet I despise him." (I'm going to guess because he left us and because he never, ever tried to contact us like other friends' divorced parents, a list of all the teachers I had had including details on how much I hated my first grade teacher. I'm amused by the paragraph on my second grade teacher's pet lop, as well as circling and underlining "is" for fifth grade, presumably to emphasize the present tense. (Did we just have a lesson on present versus past tense or something?)
20. 5th grade awards ceremony and how excited I was to get more awards than anyone else. "I'm surprised I got the super citizen award because I was fined more than anyone except Nicky and he's only 2 ahead of me, plus I left some of mine out."
21. An entry a couple of days into summer vacation about how much it annoyed me that adults don't follow their own rules but expected me to comply with every single one. "No interrupting when I'm speaking- but mom interrupts me! Don't argue with me- but she started the argument!
22. An entry about the last day of school and how "I kind of wish he did squirt kids like us with the super soaker", as well as a list of 6 more awards I got including "one signed by President Bill Clinton! I think it's bogus though because why would the President sign awards for kids in Riverhead?"
23. A detail about my traditional first-day-at-the-beach sunburn that is followed by tons of more sunburns.
24. Halloween stickers of 2 body parts where I mixed them all up, then made new names for the monsters.
25. Another entry expressing anger at how my mom would yell at me for interrupting her when "she interrupts me twice as much!" (PS- she still interrupts all the time)
26. A third entry where I was confused about why my mom told me "You should think more about other people's feelings" because "I didn't even say anything except "Are you deaf? The tV's not on" because she said she was doing all this work while i was just watching TV, when the TV was off and I was dusting at the time she said that! She should be one to talk. She hurt my feelings when she said that because I was doing what she told me."
27. A 1-year birthday celebration on July 27, 1998 where I pondered how different I was a year later, outlining camp verbatim because I had been too busy to write after the first night."
28. Another anti-mom entry where I was sent to my room for saying I wanted dessert- here's an abbreviated version of the exchange i was writing about.
Mom: Want a Little Debbie?
Me: (mumbling) Yeah I want dessert. Aloud: Okay
Mom: I guess you don't want dessert. I'm getting sick and tired of your fresh mouth. Go to your room!

I then wrote "For her 411 (that's information) a Little Debbie IS dessert, so obviously saying what I said is a yes!" I then proceeded to make the decision to call my mom "Dictator Debra" when she did something unfair and used some kind of absolutism like "I'm right because you're the daughter and I'm the mother" when I questioned her, and angrily ended the entry with "She is either stupid or really, really, really, really, REALLY unfair"

29. A long list of people I did not want in my class because "They are meanies"
30. An entry complaining about mom getting mad at me because I said "Stop coming in here already!" followed by a long treatise on how annoying I found it when she went in and out of myy room every few seconds. "Can't she say everything at once instead of bursting in here 100,000 times?" (I still get irritated when she does that- how is one supposed to concentrate with a cycle of single knock, not waiting to be granted permission before entering immediately, the pattern of "Knoeck!" "I DID knock!" "I mean really knock, where I can say if you can come in or not", glare, some remark, leaving room, repeat five seconds later. And she wonders why I forget things in the morning, she keeps interrutpting my thinking!
31. A very long list of names I like better than Cheryl (My hatred of my name dates back to at least second grade, I've seen second grade papers with Cher written on them)
32. My being allowed to go on the Caumsett trip as a present because it was the week of my birthday. I was excited because it would be my first night away from home aside from camp.
33. An entry saying "Even though she let me go on the trip, I can't help bbut be mad at my mom again. I like my teacher mr. B. way better. You nkow why? At least he apologizes when he is unfair. My omom will never, ever, EVER admit when she is wrong. Just because she's 30 years older doesn't make her perfect!"

SIXTH GRADE ENTRIES
34. Excitement over how my best friend from when I lived in Copiague was coming for a visit and a countdown to school, birthday, and Caumsett.
35. An entry the day before middle school listing things that worried me- "What if the lunch is even worse there than pulaski? I'll be poisoned!" "What if my classes are all of my enemies and none of my friends?" "What if I go to the wrong room? The middle school is shaped funny... best I can say about its shape is it's not a rectangle, but it's shape is closest to that thing Germans had during World War 2!"
36. Lamenting on how Caumsett was ruined because my friends were assigned to different days than me.
37. How I got a new diary for my 12th birthday, which would be named Fern and used once Amber was full- she was close to it at the time.
38. A very long entry about Caumsett. For a brief second, my blood ran cold because I saw Brieanne Reichel (a girl who was killed in a car accident during my sophomore year of high school) listed as a roommate. Apparently the only bad thing was having Miss Brunke be the leader for my group- she was the art teacher and I did not like her. Brittany Palm, Nicole Benitez, Brieanne, and I were chatty so Ms. Brunke kept coming in to yell at us.
39. An entry congratulating myself for my acting skills- I pretended to be healthy when I felt like crap so I could go to the Polish Fair. (Judging by the date and the fact that I KNOW I wrote more than one entry in 6th grade, I got too impatient and began Fern before finishing Amber because I was excited for a new diary for middle school.
40. My conscious decision to "switch off the talk button and be invisible" because I was so upset about being constantly bullied and harassed by classmates. "Maybe if I don't ever say anything like a lot of characters I see in books, people will eventually forget I even exist. Whenever I stand up for myself, I only get in trouble because everyone lies to the teacher and the teacher believes them because there's more of them than me. I'm lonely and sad and tired of being called a liar, especially since I only usually lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings like when I don't like something they bought or listen to." I made this decision at the very beginning of sixth grade. The next day, I proudly said that I only talked twice the whole day, and kept refetrring to how much I was able to stick to that pattern. I mark sixth grade as the time where I really did begin to feel depressed and detached and painfully shy about even trying to make friends.I constantly wrote that "I have no self esteem anymore"- at 12! I'm full of pity for the girl I was 10 years ago, who felt so battered that I decided to pretend to not exist. I would do classwork but i would never again help anyone I noticed having trouble unless they asked me.
41. Outrage in one entry about groupwork- I hated groupwork because "I don't like working with people who don't know how to do math, won't study, and then get mad when I don't tell them the answers. Jessica kept saying what's 1? 3? 4? 6? I don't get this, tell me! I didn't, I just shook my head no and wouldn't help her. I used to help people, but now suince I'm going to be silent and not talk ever, obviously I won't here, so I did not" I was especially outraged in this entry because the fellow students then landed me with a 0 for the day because of not participating when in fact I did all of the problems- by myself. (Needless to say, I also lost respect for that teacher, and said as much, because of that particular injustice.)
42. Several entries about feeling tired and only wanting to sleep and having the sniffles.
43. A tirade about one girl named Dana who never even met me personally until sixth grade and did the following things to me for no reason, and who "hates me for no reason":
a. Orientation day, saying "Ew!" and moving away when I sat next to her
b. Refusing to take my homework to pass forward in science and telling her seatmate to do the same, then finally taking it and holding it gingerly in one corner like it was contaminated with something
c. Asking people around her if they were hot, including my seatmate, then adding "I'm not even going to ask that THING"

I concluded that entry by writing about how normally I would yell at Dana or insult her back but that never worked in the past because I was always somehow the only one to get in trouble, for the simple act of standing up for myself.

44. An entry about winning a scholarship to go to a sleepaway camp in upstate New York

45. An entry about how "It's so weird eating lunch at 10:55! I hate lunch period, it's boring and embarassing because nobody will invite me to sit with them.


46. A very embittered entry about someone who stopped being a friend of mine because classmates teased her about it. "I wish people would ditch her. Some best friend. She is not nice anymore, and after fifth grade too! What's going on?"

47. An entry about how I would reinvent myself, comparing "perfect me" and "real me"

Perfect me as according to 6th grade self: outgoing, gets all 100s, good talker, never worries, stands up for myself and never gets in trouble for it, not guy-shy, great friend, satisfied with looks, pretty, great listener, popular, extremely nice, confident, perfect handwriting, caring, sophisticated, never cries, not easily embarrased, responsible, athletic, loyal, pretty, bold, never lies, always happy, not afraid of rejection, never nervous, never depressed, gives great advice, has reason for existing

Actual me (as I saw in 6th grade): shy, cries easily, loses things, has stuff stolen, easy to embarass, loyal, not good at any sports except running (I finally developed coordination summer before 9th grade- I think this is part of why people stoppd bulying and insulting me directly to my face, because I was no longer the awkward, gabngly preteen- I was a teen who still hated sports but could actually defend herself in them, help team win, stronger, and thusway more likely to win a fight if she got mad enough to start one), usually honest but not always, good friend, sad, ugly, good listener but nobody knows it because they all hate me, afraid of rejection, nice, always nervous, meek, horrid handwriting, dull, boring, gets all As but not all 100s like I want, worrywart, sort of responsible but loses stuff, guy-shy, hates looks, unpopular, not confident, still caring. (At least there's some overlap)

That was the EXTREMELY cheerful end to that journal. I would sleep, but I've been intermittently looking over entries from the journl that I started the summer before senior year where I analyzed everyone and everything around me to death. I've already seen one entry railing about how much one of my friends was bothering me first because of a determination to box everyone around her into a label and then her deriding a girl from her school horribly from Splish Splash who ironically came over to her to say hi and talk to her.The friend of mine in question was very full of duplicity because she was sweet as honey, which completely threw me. "If she pretends to be that girl's friend to her face and then says all of that behind her back, then I don't trust her. She most likely says a lot of bad things about me as well" I later regaled the diary with a story about how a few friends, including the one, had gone to East Enders, and after she had left, I hesitantly told Trish that the waty she was acting was starting to get to me and rhetorically added "I wonder what she's saying behind my back. Trish had acidly replied "I bet she's telling her mother all about what a prep I am and about how the rest of the people you hang out with are total freaks." I had said that Trish was probably absolutely right.

The one I'm engrossed in now is a story about a girl named Jasmine who constantly brownosed the supervisor that ended up working the same side as me for the first time and groused about how much she hated the supervisors. ("I don't like people like that, who cannot be honest and who act so differently to a person's face as compared to behind their back.")

Well... Good night.....

Fill this out about your SENIOR year of high school! The longer ago it was, the more fun the answers will be!! REPOST with name of high school and graduating year in the subject box.

1. Did you date someone from your school?
GAH no *grimace* My standards are too high. I dated from other school districts

2. Did you marry someone from your high school?
Excuse me while I go volit at the thought... well, I exaggerate... but it does make me grimace, the thought of what jerks people were.

3. Did you car pool to school?
No. I rode the school bus with Brit and Beth.

4. What kind of car did you have?
none :(

5. What kind of car do you have now?
none
6. Its Saturday night 2004...
Most likely, I was at home shut up in my room. Otherwise, maybe I was at East Enders or Applebees or Borders perhaps... but usually home. Or over the twins' house

7. It is Saturday night 2009...
It varies. Bars, movies, parties, sports, beach... whatever...

8. What kind of job did you have in high school?
Paging at the library

9. What kind of job do you do now?
Still paging until next Thursday when I return to Baltimore, and in 2 months I'll be teaching Early Childhood!

10. Were you a party animal?
Nope, I was relatively well-behaved when it came to drinking and drugs. Relatively.

11. Were you considered a flirt?
NO. Au contraire, I was very withdrawn

12. Were you in band, orchestra, or choir?
None of the above

13. Were you a nerd?
Yeah


14. Did you get suspended or expelled?
I never got caught

15. Can you sing the fight song?
If we had one, I did not care enough to notice

16. Who were your favorite teacher(s)?
Mandresh, McCrary, Doc (sometimes, when he wasn't severely teeing me off)

17. Where did you sit during lunch?
Wendy's, Dunkin, or that little side cafeteria that had couches until my class arrived

18. What was your school's full name?
Riverhead High School

19. When did you graduate?
2005

20. What was your school mascot?
A wave. We... drowned our opponents?

21 . If you could go back and do it again, would you?
Preferably, no

22. Did you have fun at Prom?
I skipped it. I could not be bothered. It's just a dance. I do not feel some gaping chasm from skipping, either.

23. Would you talk to the person you went to Prom with?
Did you read 22?

24. Are you planning on going to your next reunion?
Well, I still talk to those who matter, so I'm not sure I will bother. I'll see what I think then

It's nice having a coach who has faith in me again.

Tomorrow morning is a health screening.... I am eagerly anticipating being poked, prodded, and questioned about relatives I have never known. (Why was the father half left blank? Because I do not know the answers, although you can go ahead and check off "substance abuse"...)

The prescreening questions are rather peculiar and ambiguous. For instance, take "Have you ever been exposed to any of the following... how long, if yes?"

Among the answers are:
1. Dust (Yeah, that would be particles that fly around in the air in any indoor location)
2. Noise (Nope, I dwell in a world of silence.)
3. Heat (That would be called summer)
4. Cold (Winter...)
5. Microwaves ("WTF" would be an appropriate abbreviation.)
6. Unusual stress (This absurd packet... how long? However long it takes to fill out this thing.)

I've definitely made a lot of acquaintances/associates here, and there's a few with potential to be called friends. There's unfortunately a plethora of people who seem mainly interested in vapid topics... I'm hoping they genuinely joined for change and not the benefits or some other selfish reason. =/


Also, the other day I posted a few contemplations about the character Light Yagami from Death Note on a site called gaiaonline over a discussion as to whether he's good, bad, or misled.

( Here's what I wrote verbatim before I went googling whether anyone besides me thinks Light had depression )

Well, I'm off to sleep... generally 11:30 is not a bad time. Actually, it is pretty good considering the times I have been sleping. I need to get up at 4:30 for the train so I can get over to Ronkonkoma, catch the shuttle to Islip, and...

get the plane to Baltimore. Then I will give the teaching my all. The kids constantly hear about how the impoverished are doomed, how they can never learn. I think of my own life story and laugh in those narrowminded people's faces... however, unfortunately some of the students buy the notion, and use it as an excuse to not do anything. I have them young, so can try to change that by building a work ethic young!I don't want them to believe the lie. I hope I can do something meaningful in these kids' lives.

One thing that bothers me- the fact that I have already been hearing a plethora of disparaging remarks about Baltimore. I will reserve judgment until I encounter the area for myself. Yes, I read about news and social issues, and many of the very same issues exist in my hometown!

Besides, if my dream happens and I instate some change... it still outrages me when people say the poor can't handle school! I was the lowest of the low on the social ladder, and look at me! Did I fail? No! I went to collge, graduated college, and got picked for TfA! So much for being a hopeless case...

A new life? Here's hoping.

But Bethany, though of course you are not going to actually read this,I promise you this- I will never, EVER turn my back on you, even if you try to evade talking to me most of the time. I love you too much for that.

I hope she has not skipped any more of her rehearsals... her mother berated her for it very badly the other day. Doesn't she see how odd it is that her daughter would skip a rehearsal just to lay listlessly on the sofa? She yells at her for smoking and drinking instead of trying to see how Bethany is, as a person- and her college friends, in my opinion, are 99% scum.

Gahhhhhh, I have a test, so why am I not tired and sleeping? Either I'm in some euphoria, or my inner clock has been completely thrown off by being up late thinking the last 2 nights... I will need to get a large coffee, because I'm waling into this in 4 hours of sleep.

Reminds of of the PSATs back on high school, although hopefully I go in operating on more than an hour and a half! Concerts are NOT the best idea... but I still scored in the 1300s, no books opened (to my mom's chagrin)! Ha! Who knows, maybe I could have pulled off National Merit, but I really did not care about school. Useless drivel, that was my opinion of it.

On another note aside from my wondering how I do well on these with my terrible habits pre-test.. I'm in Bridgeport. I think you figured that out last entry. After Al and I settled into room 704 (which is actually on the seventh floor, unlike the Syracuse hotel where for some crackpot reason the 700s are in the boonies region of the basement!) Room's not bad, but God forbid there's a fire... there's no stairs to the first floor! I kid you not. They end at the second. Are we supposed to jump out a second-story window onto that street or something? Furthermore, the ice machines are rather peculiar. The simple act of procuring ice involves not just pushing a button, but turning a few levers- and the one on my floor does not work. Thank heavens the third floor one does, because I do not want to suffer tomorrow for today's "sprinting" as the drunkards at this bar I passed called it.

Why oh why do people make comments to female runners anyway? It. Really. Irrates. Me.

That's putting it lightly.There's also constant lectures about "safety precautions" that I can recite by heart and have heard about five quadrillion times. See, I've heard them all before, it's just a question of whether I'm so intimidated it keeps me too frightened to run certain places or certain times. It does not. Granted, I definitely keep my guard up at night and skirt around any areas that set off alarm bells in my intuition.

I can't help wondering if I'd have to constantly listen to all of that if I were a guy... sometimes I really cannot stand being a woman. It's annoying when people assume I can't handle my own luggage that apparently weighs more than me... well, I'm much stronger than I apparently look folks!

My laptops uploading photos from my graduation party to facebook very slowly. Have I finally wigged it out with uploading too much music? I may need to consider an external hard drive yet, as Bethany speculated over needing for her own laptop. That would be ideal.. then we could swap and have twice the amount! After that, naturally, I would erase the duplicates.

Erg... I'd like to know what sick bastard decided to place a mirror at the desk... I do NOT like my reflection =/ Oversized noes and chest, uneven skin tone, dry patches, overoiliness and acne... and looking much fatter than I used to. Erg... I could only imagine how much faster I'd have run tonight if those 20 added pounds were gone.

Why was my coach such an unpleasant, apathetic character? Why was it me who was constantly getting injured,especially my personal favorite- that one that made me unable to do anything remotely like running for over 6 months, when I'd already dealt with being out a whole season for ITBS as a freshman... not to mention senior year of high school..? Indeed, my luck is either really good or pretty terrible.


*sigh* Still not tired. Tell m I am NOT going to have to take Benadryl even though I have no allergy symptoms today just to make myself sleep.

However, with my luck it won't work until it is time to take the exam =/

I was going to include a grand finale involving the rather raucous shenanigans of my friends and I at my graduation party! One of those "I know, I know... how old are we again? Hehhehheh..." videos. However, either the internet, laptop, or both are woefully slow. Oh well.. I'll just lie awake until I fall asleep...

That was a great, great run in Bridgeport, Connecticut. I had it. I was ON!

So what if it was only two and a half miles? I needed this.

The barrier is down. (I'll elaborate on the barrier when I'm alone in my room musing, not hanging with my boyfriend in a hotel room.)

Exam tomorrow...

If you are ever up at 2am, don't feel like studying for a PRAXIS exam or doing pre-institute work, and are trying to find a way to amuse yourself until you get tired and fall asleep, reading livejournals from high school is a surefire way to make the night more interesting, especially seeing how you've changed in 4-7 years.

My old journals

• oooootricia00
  
• I think this was made... 12th graade? Maybe 11th.
  
• My "Tricia Perks" journal from grades 9-10.
  
  
  Teen angst much though? I'm glad I've found happiness since then.
  
  And now that I have made a LJ/DJ compendium, time to read some more!

If you are ever up at 2am, don't feel like studying for a PRAXIS exam or doing pre-institute work, and are trying to find a way to amuse yourself until you get tired and fall asleep, reading livejournals from high school is a surefire way to make the night more interesting, especially seeing how you've changed in 4-7 years.

My old journals

• oooootricia00
  
• I think this was made... 12th graade? Maybe 11th.
  
• My "Tricia Perks" journal from grades 9-10.
  
  And now that I have made a LJ/DJ compendium, time to read some more! I might add that I found this one entry that particularly tickled my funny bone because it was all about how the whole fiasco behind the photograph of my 12th grade track team being taken that now hangs on the wall of the Riverhead Applebees. No joke! The entry is here.

Graduation day!