Firstly, i'll catch up on the friends list soon, I swear! I am so horrible with checking that page lately, especially since I have been reliant of dialup.

Amidst my packing for the relocation to Baltimore,I located my stash of diary entries recorded everywhere from the summer before fifth grade through the summer after I graduated high school. I wrote the most in these during middle school, as I mainly deadjournaled on triciaperks in ninth grade and livejournaled in oooootricia00 for the rest of high school and the beginning of college before switching here so that the former would remain strictly high school. It is very fascinating indeed to see how I revolved, grew, regressed, recovered, grew, and became more and more intellectual with the passage of time. Here is the essence of random stuff found in the perusal of the first diary, whose first entry was July 27, 1997 and final was January 20, 2000. It is a small white notebook labeled "Girl power! diary- we've got the power to be drug free" with an address label from when my mother and I resided in downtown Riverhead and my scrawlings all over it- things like "One-of-a-kind", "I'm me," and requests not to read- "Do not open without Cher armstrong's permission", "property of Cheryl Jean Armstrong, Mr. B aka Old Wrinkleface, room 208" (What a sweet, 100 percent respectful student! Mr. B and I had a very interesting relationship- hey, keep your mind out of the gutter! Imagine combining someone too smart for her grade at the time and boundless physical energy into one student and think of the results. We were actually fond of eachr other, and i was class treasurer, which means I kept track of fines imposed upon students foir misbehavior. I had the most fines, and most of the time I was honest in my recordings unless I felt a fine was unfair- I knew how to tell when I was "being bad" and thus deserving to be disciplined. Most of the time, I would not record fines of students I had accidentally gotten into trouble- nor did I record anytime where I had meant well, such as whispering what Mr. B was trying to explain to my neighbor). But i digress. More scrawlings of a 10-year-old: "Stop, in the name of the law!", ""Private" written in every possible way, including mirror writing, "If you want to read, and if I like you I might say yes", "no hands allowed", "Keep out or be eaten by a ferocious dog", "adios", "au revoir", "go away", "Touch me and you die of ebola", "sionara" and "Hold it right there!"

Among the contents I wanted kept so private at 10-12 years of age:
1. Talking about being a 10 year old in a cabin of seventh graders who talked about boys (ew! I said) and how mad I was that the camp said I couldn't swim and would not let me in any water deeper than 3 feet even though, and I quote verbatim: "I'm five foot 2 and a half and perfectly able to stand in the 4 foot level 2 water without drowining or something- I understand why they don't allow me in 5-foot water because that covers my nose, but 4 feet? Come on people!"
2. My agonizing over naming the diary because "that's what Anne Frank did" and the subsequent reading of every inspirational comment in the diary and pixcking the name I liked best- Amber, "like Amber brown!"
3. "Today is just another ordinary and boring school day- I already know long division, why do I have to do this AGAIN? BORING... oops, got to go, we get to go to the library thank GOD!"
4. Permitting my friend Tiffany to write on a page.
5. I made some kid of butterfly for an art project, and it made me feel better after my friends made me be "pee yellow" in Parcheesi" because I rolled lowest.
6. getting in trouble because I did not finish the "modly hamburger"- or even eat anything other than 2 bites of the bun and the corn "You'd have to be a moron to make corn wromng, I think, I've never had bad corn"
7. "Maybe one day I'll be famous for being smart or running fast or jumping far or something so you can be famous too!" (Ha! And WHY would anyone want to read about the silly troubles of an 11-year-old?)
8. My mom winning her first-ever memory album- a HUGE hobby of hers now!I did not realize it then, but that was a huge turning point in my house.
9. How babyish and young and bored I felt still being in elementary school
10. "I got to bname a chick at the library today and I named it Fern like my favorite Arthur character! I like her because she likes poetry and writing and cool stuff like that)" (I then wrote an extremely detailed description of Fern and listed the names of other chicks, and the plort summeary of Slappy and the Stinkers, which the library showed that day. A seal movie.)
11. Promises to write about the Bronx Zoo,
12.A complete summary of a Bronx Zoo adventuure. "I was disappointed that I did not get to go to the children's zoo because today was a drreary, rainy, because I love it there." By the end of the entry, I decided that "the rain (at least it was WARM out) turned out to be an advantage because not much people were around and almost ALL of the animals showed themselves. The last 2 times I went, I didn't see much animals, especially last year in 1997" (Side comment: Apparently I could not distinguish perfectly between much and many in fifth grade)
13. A description of the contents of a Lisa Frank package (does Lisa Frank even still exist?) in the mail, followed by my sticking my favorite stickers in the diary "to remember them forever!"
14. The bike rodeo- I wrote about how surprised I was to find out that it wasn't simply a race against others, a llist of the various courses involving dexterity I lacked at the time in some senses... in retrospect, my main problem was impatience and the need for speed that made me overshoot corners. I did the worst in the slow race.
15. May Fair at Pulaski in 5th grade... "my teacher was in the dunk tank and I missed the dot with all of the balls... so when I went to get the balls, I pressed the button so Mr. B fell in! Everybody clapped for me, and he called me a little scamp- laughing as he said it. I don't think he's really mad. I am the class clown or whatever"
`16. My annoyance at being put in all of the flat-out running events when I wanted to do the trolley race, tug of war, and the clothing race. I was an excellent runner in elementary school, but very reluctant, hated races, and I did not practice.
17. "Today my teacher was really mean to the class and I actually didn't do anything this time!" A sub who announced that she was a first-time sub gave my class a bad report. I definitely do not remember what misconduct my class did- BAD idea to tell a room full of fifth graders that you have never been a sub before! Anyway, Mr. B canceled a field trip to a farm to punish the class. I wonder if I really did anything and simply in a state of denial, but chances are I acted just as normal- somewhat boisterous- and the rest of the class was uncharacteristically misbehaved. I was also evidently bored during a lesson, so aside from writing in my diary during a lesson I even drew the seating chart. (I labeled the teacher's desk "Ronald", and my table was closest- go figure. At least 2 other kids at the table I know would definitely have been ones to keep an eye on, considering how disrespectful I remember them being to the teachers in middle and high school no matter what. I can identify at least 4 classmates who were so terrible to the sub that their seats were moved, judging by the double-arrows that are labeled "belongs here and moved" In an earlier entry, I had talked about how I felt safe bringing it to school because it was always shoved in the back of my desk. Nobody ever did find it. "All 27 of us were dissapointed we will not get to go to the farm."

I wonder if I was worse to the sub, or stayed the same and felt bad that there were people acting worse than normal.

18. Complaining about how I was not put in tug-of-war because I was too skinny, and being yelled at for stopping during the footraces "It was hot and I don't like sweating or breathing loudly!"

19. "A brief history of me" detailing my lack of a father "I despise Doug. He and mom are divorced. I don't know him, yet I despise him." (I'm going to guess because he left us and because he never, ever tried to contact us like other friends' divorced parents, a list of all the teachers I had had including details on how much I hated my first grade teacher. I'm amused by the paragraph on my second grade teacher's pet lop, as well as circling and underlining "is" for fifth grade, presumably to emphasize the present tense. (Did we just have a lesson on present versus past tense or something?)
20. 5th grade awards ceremony and how excited I was to get more awards than anyone else. "I'm surprised I got the super citizen award because I was fined more than anyone except Nicky and he's only 2 ahead of me, plus I left some of mine out."
21. An entry a couple of days into summer vacation about how much it annoyed me that adults don't follow their own rules but expected me to comply with every single one. "No interrupting when I'm speaking- but mom interrupts me! Don't argue with me- but she started the argument!
22. An entry about the last day of school and how "I kind of wish he did squirt kids like us with the super soaker", as well as a list of 6 more awards I got including "one signed by President Bill Clinton! I think it's bogus though because why would the President sign awards for kids in Riverhead?"
23. A detail about my traditional first-day-at-the-beach sunburn that is followed by tons of more sunburns.
24. Halloween stickers of 2 body parts where I mixed them all up, then made new names for the monsters.
25. Another entry expressing anger at how my mom would yell at me for interrupting her when "she interrupts me twice as much!" (PS- she still interrupts all the time)
26. A third entry where I was confused about why my mom told me "You should think more about other people's feelings" because "I didn't even say anything except "Are you deaf? The tV's not on" because she said she was doing all this work while i was just watching TV, when the TV was off and I was dusting at the time she said that! She should be one to talk. She hurt my feelings when she said that because I was doing what she told me."
27. A 1-year birthday celebration on July 27, 1998 where I pondered how different I was a year later, outlining camp verbatim because I had been too busy to write after the first night."
28. Another anti-mom entry where I was sent to my room for saying I wanted dessert- here's an abbreviated version of the exchange i was writing about.
Mom: Want a Little Debbie?
Me: (mumbling) Yeah I want dessert. Aloud: Okay
Mom: I guess you don't want dessert. I'm getting sick and tired of your fresh mouth. Go to your room!

I then wrote "For her 411 (that's information) a Little Debbie IS dessert, so obviously saying what I said is a yes!" I then proceeded to make the decision to call my mom "Dictator Debra" when she did something unfair and used some kind of absolutism like "I'm right because you're the daughter and I'm the mother" when I questioned her, and angrily ended the entry with "She is either stupid or really, really, really, really, REALLY unfair"

29. A long list of people I did not want in my class because "They are meanies"
30. An entry complaining about mom getting mad at me because I said "Stop coming in here already!" followed by a long treatise on how annoying I found it when she went in and out of myy room every few seconds. "Can't she say everything at once instead of bursting in here 100,000 times?" (I still get irritated when she does that- how is one supposed to concentrate with a cycle of single knock, not waiting to be granted permission before entering immediately, the pattern of "Knoeck!" "I DID knock!" "I mean really knock, where I can say if you can come in or not", glare, some remark, leaving room, repeat five seconds later. And she wonders why I forget things in the morning, she keeps interrutpting my thinking!
31. A very long list of names I like better than Cheryl (My hatred of my name dates back to at least second grade, I've seen second grade papers with Cher written on them)
32. My being allowed to go on the Caumsett trip as a present because it was the week of my birthday. I was excited because it would be my first night away from home aside from camp.
33. An entry saying "Even though she let me go on the trip, I can't help bbut be mad at my mom again. I like my teacher mr. B. way better. You nkow why? At least he apologizes when he is unfair. My omom will never, ever, EVER admit when she is wrong. Just because she's 30 years older doesn't make her perfect!"

SIXTH GRADE ENTRIES
34. Excitement over how my best friend from when I lived in Copiague was coming for a visit and a countdown to school, birthday, and Caumsett.
35. An entry the day before middle school listing things that worried me- "What if the lunch is even worse there than pulaski? I'll be poisoned!" "What if my classes are all of my enemies and none of my friends?" "What if I go to the wrong room? The middle school is shaped funny... best I can say about its shape is it's not a rectangle, but it's shape is closest to that thing Germans had during World War 2!"
36. Lamenting on how Caumsett was ruined because my friends were assigned to different days than me.
37. How I got a new diary for my 12th birthday, which would be named Fern and used once Amber was full- she was close to it at the time.
38. A very long entry about Caumsett. For a brief second, my blood ran cold because I saw Brieanne Reichel (a girl who was killed in a car accident during my sophomore year of high school) listed as a roommate. Apparently the only bad thing was having Miss Brunke be the leader for my group- she was the art teacher and I did not like her. Brittany Palm, Nicole Benitez, Brieanne, and I were chatty so Ms. Brunke kept coming in to yell at us.
39. An entry congratulating myself for my acting skills- I pretended to be healthy when I felt like crap so I could go to the Polish Fair. (Judging by the date and the fact that I KNOW I wrote more than one entry in 6th grade, I got too impatient and began Fern before finishing Amber because I was excited for a new diary for middle school.
40. My conscious decision to "switch off the talk button and be invisible" because I was so upset about being constantly bullied and harassed by classmates. "Maybe if I don't ever say anything like a lot of characters I see in books, people will eventually forget I even exist. Whenever I stand up for myself, I only get in trouble because everyone lies to the teacher and the teacher believes them because there's more of them than me. I'm lonely and sad and tired of being called a liar, especially since I only usually lie to avoid hurting someone's feelings like when I don't like something they bought or listen to." I made this decision at the very beginning of sixth grade. The next day, I proudly said that I only talked twice the whole day, and kept refetrring to how much I was able to stick to that pattern. I mark sixth grade as the time where I really did begin to feel depressed and detached and painfully shy about even trying to make friends.I constantly wrote that "I have no self esteem anymore"- at 12! I'm full of pity for the girl I was 10 years ago, who felt so battered that I decided to pretend to not exist. I would do classwork but i would never again help anyone I noticed having trouble unless they asked me.
41. Outrage in one entry about groupwork- I hated groupwork because "I don't like working with people who don't know how to do math, won't study, and then get mad when I don't tell them the answers. Jessica kept saying what's 1? 3? 4? 6? I don't get this, tell me! I didn't, I just shook my head no and wouldn't help her. I used to help people, but now suince I'm going to be silent and not talk ever, obviously I won't here, so I did not" I was especially outraged in this entry because the fellow students then landed me with a 0 for the day because of not participating when in fact I did all of the problems- by myself. (Needless to say, I also lost respect for that teacher, and said as much, because of that particular injustice.)
42. Several entries about feeling tired and only wanting to sleep and having the sniffles.
43. A tirade about one girl named Dana who never even met me personally until sixth grade and did the following things to me for no reason, and who "hates me for no reason":
a. Orientation day, saying "Ew!" and moving away when I sat next to her
b. Refusing to take my homework to pass forward in science and telling her seatmate to do the same, then finally taking it and holding it gingerly in one corner like it was contaminated with something
c. Asking people around her if they were hot, including my seatmate, then adding "I'm not even going to ask that THING"

I concluded that entry by writing about how normally I would yell at Dana or insult her back but that never worked in the past because I was always somehow the only one to get in trouble, for the simple act of standing up for myself.

44. An entry about winning a scholarship to go to a sleepaway camp in upstate New York

45. An entry about how "It's so weird eating lunch at 10:55! I hate lunch period, it's boring and embarassing because nobody will invite me to sit with them.


46. A very embittered entry about someone who stopped being a friend of mine because classmates teased her about it. "I wish people would ditch her. Some best friend. She is not nice anymore, and after fifth grade too! What's going on?"

47. An entry about how I would reinvent myself, comparing "perfect me" and "real me"

Perfect me as according to 6th grade self: outgoing, gets all 100s, good talker, never worries, stands up for myself and never gets in trouble for it, not guy-shy, great friend, satisfied with looks, pretty, great listener, popular, extremely nice, confident, perfect handwriting, caring, sophisticated, never cries, not easily embarrased, responsible, athletic, loyal, pretty, bold, never lies, always happy, not afraid of rejection, never nervous, never depressed, gives great advice, has reason for existing

Actual me (as I saw in 6th grade): shy, cries easily, loses things, has stuff stolen, easy to embarass, loyal, not good at any sports except running (I finally developed coordination summer before 9th grade- I think this is part of why people stoppd bulying and insulting me directly to my face, because I was no longer the awkward, gabngly preteen- I was a teen who still hated sports but could actually defend herself in them, help team win, stronger, and thusway more likely to win a fight if she got mad enough to start one), usually honest but not always, good friend, sad, ugly, good listener but nobody knows it because they all hate me, afraid of rejection, nice, always nervous, meek, horrid handwriting, dull, boring, gets all As but not all 100s like I want, worrywart, sort of responsible but loses stuff, guy-shy, hates looks, unpopular, not confident, still caring. (At least there's some overlap)

That was the EXTREMELY cheerful end to that journal. I would sleep, but I've been intermittently looking over entries from the journl that I started the summer before senior year where I analyzed everyone and everything around me to death. I've already seen one entry railing about how much one of my friends was bothering me first because of a determination to box everyone around her into a label and then her deriding a girl from her school horribly from Splish Splash who ironically came over to her to say hi and talk to her.The friend of mine in question was very full of duplicity because she was sweet as honey, which completely threw me. "If she pretends to be that girl's friend to her face and then says all of that behind her back, then I don't trust her. She most likely says a lot of bad things about me as well" I later regaled the diary with a story about how a few friends, including the one, had gone to East Enders, and after she had left, I hesitantly told Trish that the waty she was acting was starting to get to me and rhetorically added "I wonder what she's saying behind my back. Trish had acidly replied "I bet she's telling her mother all about what a prep I am and about how the rest of the people you hang out with are total freaks." I had said that Trish was probably absolutely right.

The one I'm engrossed in now is a story about a girl named Jasmine who constantly brownosed the supervisor that ended up working the same side as me for the first time and groused about how much she hated the supervisors. ("I don't like people like that, who cannot be honest and who act so differently to a person's face as compared to behind their back.")

Well... Good night.....